


“How can anyone not be afraid of love?”

by markonasurface (idwir)



Series: 50 Quote Prompts [13]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, Neil lists all the ways the foxes have been "loved", drunk kevin also can't remember what languages neil understands, drunk kevin can't conjugate, he has feelings, then he lists the couples and people who make him reevaluate what love is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 07:55:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15262866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idwir/pseuds/markonasurface
Summary: I posted this fic with this note on tumblr a little over a year ago: Hope this is okay. I’ve been sleeping a lot so I tried to write this in between during the time I was awake so I hope it’s coherent? Also, I think I’m pleased with the last half or fourth or whatever of the fic. Like, pretty darn pleased. I hope you are, too.I was put on a new medication that made me feel sick when I ate and made me super tired. I basically only ate one cracker a day and got up to go to work. Sometimes I would read/write.





	“How can anyone not be afraid of love?”

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this fic with this note on tumblr a little over a year ago: Hope this is okay. I’ve been sleeping a lot so I tried to write this in between during the time I was awake so I hope it’s coherent? Also, I think I’m pleased with the last half or fourth or whatever of the fic. Like, pretty darn pleased. I hope you are, too.
> 
> I was put on a new medication that made me feel sick when I ate and made me super tired. I basically only ate one cracker a day and got up to go to work. Sometimes I would read/write.

Neil grabbed Andrew’s hand, still reveling in the fact that he was allowed to touch him. He followed him the short distance to the door, ignoring the looks passed between teammates.

“Stay,” Andrew said.

“Why?” Neil tilted his head and leaned in close.

“We won, the team is getting along, they’re celebrating.”

Neil furrowed his brows. “But you’re leaving.”

Andrew shrugged, unbothered. “I’m just tired. I’m going to sleep.”

“Me, too.”

“Stay.”

“Andrew.”

He stared Neil down until finally admitting, “I think I’m getting a cold. If I get you sick, Kevin might kill me.”

Neil snorted. “Okay, yeah.” He grabbed the back of Andrew’s head and pulled him close. Despite his words, Andrew kissed him back, hands coming up to rest on Neil’s waist. Neil pushed his shoulder gently and Andrew stepped back so that his back was pressed to the door.

“Get a room!” Nicky called and Andrew immediately put a hand up between Neil and himself.

The others joined in the teasing and Neil rolled his eyes. “Fuck off.”

He turned back to Andrew and kissed him quickly. “Text me if you need anything.” When Andrew paused Neil rolled his eyes again. “I know what’s taking you so long. You’re deciding between ‘I won’t need anything’ and ‘when’s the last time your phone was even on?’”

Andrew cocked an eyebrow and Neil kissed him again. “I’ll come check on you soon.” He kissed him once more because he could, then opened the door to let him out.

Aaron and Katelyn were standing outside the dorm room with some other Vixens and Neil left the door agape. He went back to where the others sat on couches, drinking and listening to music.

“Oh, Neil, I love you!” Nicky cried dramatically, hanging off a freshman girl.

She pulled his face close to hers and breathed, “Andrew! I love you!”

“We don’t sound like that,” Neil said dully. “We’ve never said those words either so it’s all just really inaccurate.”

He sat next to Kevin, who as usual decided to seclude himself with his drinks. He didn’t want the conversation to dwell on their kisses but Nicky looked offended.

Finally, Neil said, “What?”

“You’ve been together for nearly a year!” Nicky said.

“So?” Neil fidgeted uncomfortably.

Matt ruffled Neil’s hair from behind and asked, “What are we talking about?”

“Neil and Andrew.”

“Oh, this should be good,” Dan slurred. She picked up her drink off a table and clumsily made her way over.

“What about them?” Matt pressed.

“They haven’t said I love you, yet,” Nicky whined.

Matt cursed. “Fuck! Dammit, Neil.”

“What now?” Neil asked impatiently.

“He just lost a hundred dollars,” Allison informed him cooly.

“Fuck off.”

“Neil, it’s been a year,” Nicky tried to squeeze in between Neil and Kevin. Kevin tried to shove him off.

Matt rested his chin on top of Neil’s head. “After seeing you guys after Baltimore.  _You know_. When he wrapped you up and presumably bathed with you?”

Neil felt his face turn red. “What?”

“I bet you’d already said it.”

“What?” Neil spluttered. “Why would you do that?”

He felt Matt shrug. “He  _showered_  in our room. He came out wearing  _your clothes._ ”

Neil looked around the room, suddenly very aware of the audience they had acquired. There was a scale in Neil’s mind of Kevin to strangers. It varied sometimes, but most of the time it went Neil, Neil and Andrew, Kevin, Matt Nicky Aaron, the girls, the freshmen, the Vixens, complete strangers. He didn’t know if his scale measured uncomfortableness or just stated the fact of who was there but at the moment he didn’t care because they were at complete strangers.

“It’s not your business,” Neil said and shoved Nicky off of his and Kevin’s laps. “Leave me alone.”

Matt gave his hair one last pat before going off with Dan to his room. Kevin waited until everyone had stopped staring and started drinking and dancing before glancing at Neil.

In slurred and poorly conjugated French that took Neil a few extra seconds to decipher, he said, “You love each other though. That’s why the others are so surprised. It’s obvious.”

Neil considered ignoring Kevin, too, but gave in to his curiosity. “Is it?”

“Of course it is,” Kevin said fiercely. “You obviously have never seen the way you look at him.”

Kevin studied the contemplative look on Neil’s face. “Did you not realize that you love him?”

Neil pursed his lips. He grabbed the drink from Kevin’s hand and took a sip. He considered his words carefully. “I don’t think I know what - I - do you love Thea?”

“Yes.”

“How do you know?”

“I risked punishment from Riko and the Master,” Kevin said. “I never stop thinking about her. I want to see her on the court but I also want to see her off the court? I don’t think I’m making any sense right now.”

Neil handed Kevin back his drink. “Too drunk for this conversation in - not English.” The last two words he spoke in English and Kevin gave him a rare smile.

“I’ll crash - here on the couch - or in Aaron’s bed.” Kevin looked around until he spotted the twin. “Looks like he’ll be going home with Katelyn tonight.”

Neil stood up and Kevin said, “Love is hard for us. Our pasts don’t mean we were never meant to find it. It’s a-a-a shiko (試行) - uh, shiren (試練). Not love - our - fuck -”

“I don’t speak Japanese, Kevin,” Neil reminded him without any heat. “Goodnight.”

“Oyas - bonne nuit!”

Andrew was blowing his nose when Neil locked the door behind him. He made his way through the dark to the bedroom and found Andrew in his bed surrounded by used tissues.

“Hey,” Neil spoke quietly when he returned with the tiny trashcan from under his desk. He swept the dirty tissues into the trashcan before sitting on the bed.

In the sparse light coming through the blinds, Neil could see Andrew’s eyes were puffy and bloodshot. He reached a hand out to touch his forehead and cheeks.

“You’ve got a fever,” Neil murmured and Andrew shivered. “Did you take anything?”

Andrew nodded slowly, eyes closing.

“I’ll sleep in your bed?”

Neil started to slide down so his feet could touch the ground but Andrew’s hand on his wrist stopped him. He looked at him quizzically.

“Stay,” Andrew croaked and Neil couldn’t believe how bad he’d gotten in the last hour. “For a few minutes.”

“Okay,” Neil kicked off his shoes so he could curl up on his bed next to Andrew. He absently stroked his fingers through sweat-damp hair.

“Are you okay?” Andrew asked and Neil could tell he was fighting sleep. “Tell me.”

Neil rested his hand on Andrew’s cheek.

“Tell me,” he insisted.

“How can anyone not be afraid of love?” Neil blurted quietly.

Andrew recoiled at the question, then forced himself to relax again. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, Kevin’s mother must have loved him but she died when he was seven. He was taken in by people who should have loved him but all they did was abuse him,” Neil’s voice steadily grew stronger. “And he had to hide it.”

Neil returned Andrew’s questioning gaze with a furious one of his own. “Dan asked her aunt to be her mother and all she did was nothing but discourage her. Matt’s mom loves him but she left him with his father who also loved him but let him get addicted to drugs and let random friends rape him. Allison’s parents love her but only if she looks how they want her to and acts how they want her to which makes me think they don’t love her at all. Nicky’s -”

“Stop.” Andrew’s voice cracked. Neil took a deep breath.

“My mother loved me.” he forced himself to continue despite the way his voice shook. “But she couldn’t stop him from hurting me. She didn’t even try because she knew it was no fucking use.”

Andrew’s hand came up to rest on his cheek, fingertips brushing against the round edges of his burn scars, but he waited for Neil to keep going.

“She loved me so much that she risked both our lives to get me away from him, away from the Moriyamas - from Riko. She died because she loved me,” Neil returned to a whisper, his hand gripping Andrew’s tightly. “But she hurt me, too. And I still fucking hate Aaron but now I understand what she did wasn’t exactly right either.

“Maybe somewhere along the way I started to associate love with pain -” Neil leaned his forehead against Andrew’s carefully. “But seeing Dan and Matt, Aaron and Katelyn, hearing Nicky talk about Erik ... the way that Coach and Abby take care of us - it confuses me. When the others talk about love and me and you, it scares me. I don’t want to hurt you. I won’t ever hurt you.

“But I love you.” The words slipped out and Neil squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m sorry.”

He expected Andrew to shove him away or swear at him or maybe even laugh. He didn’t expect Andrew to pull him close and whisper, “Yes or no?” - a question they only used in their most vulnerable moments - and press kisses to his skin.

“Don’t apologize for how you feel,” Andrew said, lips so close to Neil’s that he could feel every word. “Ever.”


End file.
